When I was younger, I used to love sweater weather and the opportunity to wear oversized clothes. It was the best way to hide a body I hated. While many of my friends longed for summer and loved shopping for cute shorts and tank tops, I felt horrified at the thought of someone seeing me and judging me the way I judged myself.Then, I lost weight…often in not-so-healthy ways, and I hated the idea of wearing anything oversized. I had worked hard to look skinny! I didn’t want to cover that up. If other people couldn’t see how much thinner I was, what was the point of it? My worth was still so tied in other’s opinions, and my confidence was still so contingent on external variables, that I still placed power in clothing simply because of how it reflected a body I thought I was supposed to have.
Now I love my body AND my oversized sweaters. I wear them because I feel comfortable- in them, and in my own skin.
My current goals when shopping are a little different- I’m pickier. I opt for things I love, whether it be because of how I look and feel in them, or because I appreciate the piece for its beauty. As my stepmother always tells me with shopping- nowadays, “if it’s not a clear yes, it’s a no”. But a purchase is based on what I love, not the things about myself I hate.
The funny thing is, no matter how big my sweaters are or how tight they may fit, the body underneath doesn’t change. And it’s always beautiful and worthy. The muscles I’ve worked hard for are there. The loose skin I earned from my babies is there. I know every freckle and line, as well as every bone and every inch of skin. I love every joint and tendon and every single part of me that helps me run, and breathe, and lift my babies, and do hard things. It’s all mine. And it’s fucking amazing.
So now I wear my oversized sweaters and my fitted shirts and whatever I damn well please. Because I no longer think anyone else gets an opinion on my body. Whether it be sweater weather or bathing suit season, bring it on. Because I sure as hell don’t need to rely on a piece of clothing to know my worth anymore.
