This is me at almost 9 months postpartum. This is a plateau. This is halted progress. This is a size bigger in clothes, shifted ribs and hip bones, cellulite, a soft belly, and a linea nigra that hasn’t faded. This is what it feels like to slide backwards. This is a body that I think I don’t recognize, but in a lot of ways I do. Not because I’ve ever been here before physically, but because mentally I’ve spent too much time in this place. This is me attempting to accept a postpartum body.

This is distorted thinking. This is placing too much effort and energy in trying to fix things that have no flaws. This is a fixed mindset. This is speaking to myself in ways that I would never speak to any other strong, resilient, capable woman. This is focusing on perfection over progress. This is me letting insecurities win. 

This is hypocrisy. This is hours of telling clients to let go of the scale and hold tight to self-love, with a difficulty in following my own advice. This is inconsistent macros and not enough hydration. This is forgetting that the words “fat” and “gross” are unacceptable. This is imposter syndrome. This is too much time spent critiquing and not enough time spent celebrating. This is digging deep in the darkness of self-doubt and attempting to crawl into the light of self-acceptance. 

So, this is reframing the situation. This is honoring the journey. This is showcasing the behind the scenes more than the highlight reel. This is using tears shed to create connection. This is lighting a fire. This is no filter. This is calling myself on my own bullshit. This is conviction that I will learn to love and accept a postpartum body. This is being vulnerable so you know you’re not alone. This is about letting go of the uncontrollable, to focus on the things I can change. This is not about seeking compliments, but about seeking comradery. This is about presence, and grace, and peace. 

This is being human. And if nothing else, for anyone who looks in the mirror with anything but unconditional love, this is about saying “fuck that”.